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Gay Sex & DF
WhatsApp, The New Post-It
By Alex Orue
I miss the days when meeting at a coffee shop was the regular thing for discussing, and hopefully fixing relationship issues. And by saying that I might sound like I was dating back in the 80’s or 90’s, but I’m only 23 years old, so I was only part of that habit for a short while. Text messages had been already replacing the Post-It messages back when I started dating, but many would still have the decency of meeting people to talk. But now on the iPhone-era, that’s all behind us. What ever happened with facing each other?
I’m not talking about my current situation (just clarifying, you know), but it has been definitely my experience in the past and it is the current situation for many I know, either because it’s their few resources while in a long distance relationship (but hey, Skype does exist, you know?) or because leaving a message on WhatsApp is easier than seen each other’s reactions to the issue on hand. The second one is the one that bothers me the most.
Remember when Burger broke up with Carrie (on HBO’s Sex & The City) on a Post-It? Well, may be now that doesn’t happen through Post-Its anymore, cause it’s too risky, right? You could run into the soon-to-be-dumped-partner while trying to leave the note where you know they can find it, so definitely this wonderful messaging app has given a twist to all relationships nowadays.
This thing of giving breaking news through a text (this also can apply to Facebook) has done nothing but harm to relationships. This really provides the perfect environment to the so called “fade away” trick. You know? The art of dumping people by disappearing from anyone’s social radar? Well, WhatsApp has been quite an accomplice. How many of us have gotten a “this is not working” message while at work? It messes up your whole day. It makes you lose your appetite and makes you mad you can’t do anything about it until you see that son of a bitch. But the tricky part is to see if he will give you the chance to have “the talk” you need for a break up.
It doesn’t matter if you agree with the idea that things might not be working. If someone takes the chance to get closure away, you end up prolonging the mourning and anger period for “what might’ve been”. And that’s never fair.
In the information-era, either we adapt or die. Now that we seem to be more connected than ever, in reality we’re more detached from what others might feel, need or want. We’ve become more selfish by only caring about our own safety, leaving behind taking chances on others.
Is it really more safe to only use these channels to communicate important matters? Caring about hurting susceptibilities seems to be a thing of the past, but I can’t help but wonder: By playing the same game, do we really have any shot at finding and keeping a worthy potential spouse?
Gay Sex & DF
A Brick At A Time
By Alex Orue
I have a talent. I can screw things up by not even trying.
In the last couple of post I published, I’ve talked about my current relationship and how I feel things are going. But this time I won’t talk about it directly. I’m gonna make a little introspection so I can get my head around the kind of life I’ve had so far. Which has been awesome, I’m not complaining, but in a nutshell this will show why am I where I am now. How I got here.
I came out as a gay man back in the summer of 2010. I was living in Vancouver back then. By the time I made it official, I had already gone out with guys and explored the waters a bit (well, maybe more than a bit). Got to date some amazing lovers and some others were douches. I’ve had my share, believe me.
Since I started my love life as a gay man in a very liberal city, it’s only natural that things to me come as different as it may for others, specially for those who come from more conservative places (to whom it may fit the description). This is the first time I’m dating someone from my same cultural background (well, almost the same), and given that I’m use to being in a different kind of relationships, the classical dating process it’s quite new to me. You may call me a man-hore or whatever, I don’t care. I’ve lived my sexuality as free as I have been able to, always taking care of my persona. I won’t apologise for that.
My past relationships are fond memories. I’ve learned and grew a lot with each and everyone of them. Have I endured in any one of them in a long term? Only once (a year and two months). I endured that long because things grew naturally between my boyfriend and I. A very organic relationship. I long for something like that.
Of course every relationship is different. Everyone of us is different. And even us, we can be quite different in each relationship we have throughout our lives. But how do we keep the essence of our persona alive in each one of them? What is the common denominator that all our spouses love about us? Or do each one of them find something different in us?
All I know is that I tend to be the common denominator in all my past relationships, screwing things up, eventually forcing me to terminate things before I hurt them more than I can mend. It has never been something serious (I’ve never cheated, for instance). It’s always the little stupid things that make everything complicated. May be I quit too easily in my personal life. At work, I don’t rest until I finish something. But in a relationship, I guess I get too scared of feeling stuff too soon and unconsciously I end up sabotaging it all. Always safe, always a bachelor (for a little while, thou).
But now I’ve come to realise that I do want to go beyond my comfort zone. If this relationship works out, fine. Great. If not, I know I’ll keep looking.
From possessive relationships, to open ones. From going out with closeted cases, to dating gay activists. From Kiwis to Italians. From sex-buddies to a civil union. I’ve been there. But somehow all I’ve learned has been to protect myself, even when there’s no treat.
My latest mistake, not telling I write on this blog about my life, including my relationships. Did I break a privacy rule? Definitely. Omitting is lying. And when I’m busted, I’m busted. I feel bad I didn’t mention it before, but I’m not apologising for writing per se. Doing this gives me perspective on my problems, which seem to get bigger and bigger when they really ain’t that of a big deal. This allows me to step back for a bit and see things with a better view. This is my therapy.
I will continue to do this, not hoping someone out there will read it, but rather to continue doing what I feel comes natural to me: writing.
Whether this chapter goes on or I turn the page to another one, I’m sure of one thing: I will take the best of this relationship with me.
Dating is always messy, specially if you’ve build a wall around you. That speaks about insecurities, and I’m well aware what they are but not so sure about how to handle them (see why a wall comes in in handy?). I guess “Trust” is still a working process, but I can’t help but wonder: which side of the wall should start to take a brick off at a time?
Gay Sex & DF
The Sound Of Silence
By Alex Orue
It’s been two days since I saw the guy I’m dating (I refuse to call him my “boyfriend” since we both agreed to take things slow). I’m not sure if that must bother me or not. We’ve been texting each other but I’m not sure that’s enough. Here’s the thing, if I don’t frequent the person or thing that I’m interested in, I start to don’t give a fuck.
And I think that process is just starting…
And I really don’t want that to happen. Although there’s some issues between us (an image to clean on my side, for instance), I can truly say that there’s some potential to this relationship. And Valentine’s Day is coming up and it’s just almost impossible to get around that day as a single gay.
I’m not using him to just spend Valentine’s with him. Notice that I first talked about the potential this relationship has? :P
There are a couple of events that took place today that may change the dynamics for a while: I’m going to the gym now, and the just quit his job. Let me explain.
I’ve never been a sports/exercise kind of guy. Ever. But since I’m consulting this gym franchise on social responsibility and social media, they’re giving me the chance to work out there and take the classes they offer, which are all high quality. I’m loving it. And since I’m really skinny, I think this will allow me to build up some needed-muscle and of course will help to my self-confidence (not that I need more, of course). But naturally, there’s always hot guys walking around in short shorts and thigh tank tops (let alone walking around naked in the showers and sauna. Yes, there’s a sauna, too!) and I’m only human. And remember I mentioned that Ralph and I are taking things slow? Well, that includes sex.
Temptation is at the order of the day, now. Specially with the new Krav Maga instructor (Gosh, he’s gorgeous!).
On the other hand, he just quit his job. I support his reasons, who am I to judge? He got sick and tired of working under this repressed Power Lesbian that only busted his balls every change she got. But now that he’s looking for other options, well, let’s say that who has the money dictates the mood. I’m not bothered by the idea of invite him out most of the time (gotta be conscious that he has to save money in the meantime). But at this point of the dating process it just seems like somehow it’s gonna be something to worry about, meaning, whenever we find ourselves without a job, we lose purpose, direction, whatever. He’s quite independent and I think he already found his calling (he’s a human rights lawyer), but unfortunately that’s a career that it’s not so well paid, and there’s not much of a demand (not that there’s no need for human rights lawyers, God knows we need them, specially in Mexico). I just hope he finds a job that covers his expectations. Soon.
These two things haven’t been talked at all. Not that I haven’t meant to talk about it, but rather I haven’t seen him in two days, and honestly, the text messages’ thing doesn’t really appeal to me. I rather talk things to peoples’ faces. I need to see him to know how I feel. I want to see him but all I get is static.
Sometimes I think that silence is the worse thing there is. I can’t stand not knowing or not understanding, or not receiving any signal. That only drives me crazy and makes me start to think about things that aren’t even happening. I start imagining really bad scenarios, which most of the time are totally wrong.
And to make things worse, his parents were suppose to arrive to his place this weekend, but it turns out there arrive tonight. Good for him, he hasn’t seen them in a while and they don’t come to town that often. But it looks like it’ll have to be until next week when we can meet…
Static for more than a week.
I know we were suppose to take things slow, but I can’t help but wonder: is the static between us the space we need or is it gonna drive us apart?
Gay Sex & DF
The Art Of Taking Things Slow
By Alex Orue
Two weeks of dating and already it has me all stressed out. Not because of him, but me. Yeah, I know it sounds like a cliche, but this time I mean it.
Everything was going great. We even missed each other out madly if we couldn’t spend the night together, until I fucked it up. How? Well, it all started on our way to the movies at Perisur Mall, as we took the bus, a couple of bus stations ahead a middle aged man got on right behind me. As my date and I talked for a few minutes I couldn’t help myself from noticing a really bad smell coming from someone behind me. I really didn’t see the man, I just smelled him from high above my height (thank Cher I’m tall). I must say this first: I have a really good sense of smell. Way too good, sometimes. So naturally, that smell really bothered me. As I’m used to travel around the city by subway, I thought I could just ignore it. But no, I couldn’t help to make it obvious and say stuff about it. Ralph, my date, saw it all from a better perspective than I did. I might’ve made a few comments about the smell and the dirty nails the man had (I could see them right next to my hand as he was holding himself from the same rail as I was). I only had a peek of the man in question and saw nothing strange about him except his nails. I ended up moving away from him and that was it. At least, to me.
Then, we went on to our dreadful date. Went to the food court and head off to watch a movie (I was watching The Wolf Of Wall Street for the third time cause it Leo DiCaprio is THAT good and Ralph hadn’t seen it, yet). It was dreadful because there was something different. Something had changed. All of the sudden we weren’t us. We had seen each other barely two weeks and pretty much on a daily basis and out of the blue we were awkward with each other. I couldn’t point my finger on what the issue was (and I pride myself in reading people easily). All I knew was that it might be it.
A day passed by and we were distant, even through texts. We didn’t see each other that day, but the next morning I tried to reach out (through texts, obviously) to ask whether we were fine or not and what I got was “we need to take it slow”.
Don’t feel bad for me. I felt the same way, I didn’t want to rush things and I already had met his sister (and his parents are coming to town this weekend!). So, I felt relieved that we got that out of our chests. We could finally move on without the awkwardness that hunted us on our last date… Well, not so much. As it turns out, the episode of the smelly guy on the bus the other day had really pissed him off. Why? Because smelly-guy was in fact a homeless man… I felt like shit. My attitude that day smelled worse.
How could I not noticed that? Why did I have to open my big mouth and sound like a jerk?! In all honestly, with the corner of my eye all I saw was a man with dirty nails and a bad smell. I never saw the clothing or anything else that would give me a hint that he was in need. Besides, the bus fare is quite high (for Mexico City’s standards) so I never thought he would be homeless… Ok, I’m gonna stop myself here before I fuck this up even more. There’s no excuse.
I feel awful about how I acted. I would never be so condescended with anybody. I even volunteered to help homeless people back in my days in Vancouver. There’s no a single bone in me that would make me act like a jerk with anybody… But of course, once an asshole, always an asshole. Or at least that’s how I feel.
I’ve only been seeing this guy for two weeks, and already I’m the asshole in the relationship. Great.
He said he wouldn’t tell me right away cause he didn’t feel close enough to be so straight forward with me. To what I replied “I can take it”. But can I really? It’s been just a few hours after that conversation and it’s still eating me from within. I know I’m a good person, but I really looked awful in front of him. Will he be able to see that that’s not me? Can I clean my image? How long will it take? How much is it gonna cost me? I mean, it ain’t like I cheated on him, right?
Secretly I’m hoping he screws up so I don’t look that bad… Wow, maybe I’m not that good of a person after all.
My reasons to take things slow have to do with the fact that in less than two weeks I know much of his circle of friends and his sister (I’m still not sure how are we gonna handle his parent’s visit). His reason to take things slow? Well, he saw an ugly action of mine, which understandably might look like that’s an ugly side of me, and he wants to get to know the other sides that might be a problem before we get more involve in this… Ouch.
Yesterday I talked about the CTS (Communication, Trust & Sex). We are taking things slow on the sex thing. I trust he’s gonna be honest about how he feels about us, so we can avoid as much drama as possible. Communication? I guess it’s a working process. More of my side, I would say. I must communicate that I’m not defined by that single action. But I can’t help but wonder: to what extent do our actions, no matter if it’s a mistake, define our persona?
Gay Sex & DF
Being In The Shadows Of What Might’ve Been
By Alex Orue
We all have our past. I get it.
Mine is quite bumpy, to say the least. I’m on the process of getting an annulment of a civil union I signed off overseas over two years ago. Explain that to anybody on a date, I dare you. However, I’ve been lucky enough to meet guys that truly can understand and let go something that isn’t even about them so we can start something new. I think I’ve been able to do the same for them. We all have our past.
But what happens when your date is clinging to his past?
Recently, I’ve come across some with a couple of texts posted on Ralph’s Tumblr page (I’m talking about the guy I’m going out with, and no, I’m not giving you the link to his page). Those were published not that long ago, so that gives me the impression that what he writes about is still very fresh on his skin.
Without getting into the details of his open letter to his ex, it seems like I’m facing a huge past. How do I help him move on?
In a month, many things can happen. Three months to me is a relationship. Five years is almost a lifetime in gay years. I don’t wanna sound too scared, but indeed I’m afraid I’ll be compare to the past lovers, why should I be compared? All I want and all we need is to create our own memories and enjoy the time we get to be together. However, I do have to understand if all I’m gonna be is the rebound guy.
I’ve been the rebound guy before, I’ve had rebound guys in the past, too. I know that’s a necessary concept that services to the Community, but why now? I’m looking for something formal. I long to be in a relationship that endures more than season 5 of RuPaul’s Drag Race (btw, I can’t wait for season 6!).
My last and only serious relationship was with the guy I’m getting a divorce. It has past pretty much the same time since Ralph broke up with his ex. That still doesn’t mean that we are in the same page at all. He might need more time to heal, to forgive and let go. I guess I’ve past those three stages already.
The past matters, but to what extension? Are we all doom to carry with some luggage from our previous relationships or can we really move on without obsessing about those who hurt us?
Maybe is too soon to talk about things getting real so far in this stage of the dating process, but I can’t help but wonder: How do I avoid to become the shadow of the past of the guy I’m falling for?
Gay Sex & DF
The Problem Every Promiscuous Person Has
By Alex Orue
February is here, and Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. One of the most chaotic days throughout the year is almost upon us and will set us apart from each other, from the ones that have a Valentine to spend the holiday with, those who are looking for one, and those who just lost theirs.
What it is about this day that will make the most sane person go totally mental? Here in Mexico City you can feel the mood in the air almost right after New Years. Guess we latinos are as passionate about these things as others have portrait us.
Everybody strives to have it all in life. Both in their personal and in their professional lives, but most can only focus in just one, being “the personal life” the hardest one to maintain. Can we really have it all?…
Almost two weeks ago I started dating a really nice guy. The kind of guy that will consider your opinion for pretty much anything on a date, but independent enough to have a say in it and be heard. He has an admirable job: a human rights lawyer. We hit it off right from the get-go and really began to share more than I thought I would. He’s taken me to really weird but awesome places on our dates, from the hipster choices in Condesa, to the 90‘s-stuck venues in Zona Rosa and downtown. However, he ain’t really the type of guy that I’ve dated (not complaining, thou).
Hear me out, I’m pretty complicated to match with given that I’m way too tall for many (I’m 6’4 feet, 194 cm), and I’m what people in the Community would consider an otter. He, on the other hand, is average height. I can overlook that, definitely, but I can’t help to look at us in our reflection every time we pass by a window. And as I say, he ain’t my type but in all honesty the guys I’d seen as “my type” were no close to endure longer than three months. Still, although Ralph (as he shall be referred) is way different from the others he applies to the CTS (Communication, Trust & Sex). I may be over thinking too much but to me CTS has always been three things that are not negotiable to make a relationship work.
“Communication” is all great. We both are a couple of bigmouths and have a twisted sense of humour and wit that love about each other, although we might’ve had a dreadful date last night and haven’t really talked about it (but given that we’ve seen each other pretty much on a daily basis I guess that one bad date doesn’t really count, does it?). The “Trust” thing ain’t a problem, I’d guess. We’ve told very intimate things about our past and I’m quite positive he’s not gonna take me by surprise with any biggie, so in short, he does make me feel safe. But when it comes to sex, well, we are taking it slow (or whatever that means). We’ve only done it once and I’m feeling like I’m back in high school all over again. Dry season? So soon? Or is it just the kind of thing people do when they want to start something serious? Honestly, I’m asking because I ain’t an expert on these things (God knows I’m a serial monogamous).
Does the “sex” issue reflect a lack of communication and trust? Should I clear things up about my expectations or should I let this grow naturally like I intended?
I might sound like a promiscuous guy, but aren’t we all gay men? Are promiscuous people just those who have sex more often than us? or is it only subjective?
Although sex ain’t it all in a relationship, it certainly does have an impact on the level of chemistry that people have, so I can’t help but wonder: Is sex really on the same level of communication and trust?
Return of the Ex, by @TheOUTROUTE’s Chaz (@CRichardMichael).
This is brilliant. I had to share it here on my blog. Chad is supper talented, you can check out his work on his Twitter feeds.
CHILE: Civil Unions Advance
In its first session of 2014, yesterday the Chilean Senate advanced its civil unions bill. The Santiago Times reports:
Senators voted in favor of the Life Partner Agreement (AVP) late Tuesday evening with 28 votes in favor, six against and two abstentions. The bill will now pass to a constitutional assembly before returning to Congress on Jan. 20. The country’s leading LGBTQ organization hailed the outcome as significant step toward passing a law which “the majority of the country” wants. “We are happy for this significant progress towards bettering conditions and equality for all families, regardless of the sexual orientation or gender identification of its members,” a Homosexual Integration and Liberation (Movilh) statement read. “Today we have made one more step in the struggle for civil unions, which we began a decade ago. What was a dream is now becoming real.” Introduced to Congress in August 2011 by the administration of President Sebastián Piñera, of the center-right National Renewal (RN), the bill has endured a drawn-out two years of debate and stalling, mainly because of stiff opposition from the RN’s coalition partner, the right-wing Independent Democratic Union (UDI) party.
A group of evangelical protesters were ejected from the Senate gallery shortly after the vote.
Mexico’s Gay Rights Movement… Stuck?
I haven’t wrote or blogged much for a while. I’ve been only active on Twitter by retweeting stuff I find interesting or worth sharing. The reason? Now that I live in Mexico City I figured that lots of stuff have been accomplished and that the fight for our rights is pretty much over. However, looking back at the pics I took at the last Gay Pride Parade I realised that it isn’t quite true, yet. Actually, we still have a long way to go.
Usually, we as a community, we seem quite organised, right? The thing is, when it comes to important issues we are more lost than a twink’s dignity at Pride.
In Mexico, we only see what’s on the news overseas. It’s quite rare that somebody pays attention to what the progress is in our own country. And when Pride is around the corner it’s only about the party and Grindr like in most places, but unlike most places we don’t really get to see the leadership of the movement nor do we know how the progress is accomplished. If you’re not in those circles, it’s hard to get in.
I’ve been browsing the web to see who the hell is organising Pride this year, and I’m still wondering…
I might just start a journal about my efforts to get involved. Let’s see how this goes and how far I can go.
So, why do I say the LGBT Movement in Mexico is stuck? Cause after the progress made in some States in the country (with civil unions and gay marriages recognised nationwide) there has been little improvement in our educational system and in most States where hate crimes are at the order of the day. We are only visible one weekend of the year, while our opponents are visible at least every Sunday of the year.
Dear Mom and Dad,
This is what happiness looks like. Sorry you were so miserable in your own lives that you couldn’t allow me a chance at my own. I went out and found it anyway. I miss you, and will miss you even more this holiday season since you won’t allow me to come back home unless I have a woman on my arm. Oh by the way, we’ll still be using the family recipe for the stuffing, I’m sure it’ll be a hit with our friends.
Your son, his boyfriend, and our spoiled cat
Happy #Thanksgiving, y’all❗️ Whether you’re spending it with the family you grew up with or the one you chose, have a blast ;) 🇺🇸🌹👬👫👭🌈
UK: Gay Student Clayton Pettet To Lose His Virginity As An Act of Performance Art
Clayton Pettet (pictured), a second year art student at Central Saint Martins art school in London, plans on losing his butt virginity in front of a gallery full of spectators on January 25, 2014. He claims it will be an act of “performance art.”
The sweeping act of teenage narcissism deflowering will be titled “Art School Stole My Virginity” and will feature 19-year-old Pettet and his friend engaging in safe sex until completion. Afterwards, they will ask the audience what they thought of the performance. Because who doesn’t like to be critiqued after sex?
“I’ve held on to my virginity for 19 years, and I’m not throwing it away lightly,” Pettet said. “Basically it’s like I am losing the stigma around virginity.”
He continued: “Since culturally we do hold quite a lot of value to the idea of virginity I have decided to use mine and the loss of it to create a piece that I think will stimulate interesting debate and questions regarding the subject.”
We suppose when we were 19 we may have thought the same thing.
Pettet says he has been planning the event for three years.
“The key thing about performance art is that it should only be performed once, and this is the ultimate once-in-a-lifetime performance,” he claims.
Pettet also says he hasn’t told his parents about the project, but he expects it will earn him rave reviews with the masses for challenging the idea of sexuality.
We’ll refrain from making too much judgement now and will instead offer Pettet this piece of advice: Do an enema beforehand so as not to turn your act of sexual defiance into an act of public humiliation.
Oh, and be sure to use lots and lots of lube.
Well, let it be for the Art.
Wonder who’s his friend that will feature on the act?